Stone Overcoat - March and April, 2004

March and April 2004

I did not know much about farming that first winter and I did not know how quick planting season came up in Alberta and but I think I did okay all things considered. My plot of land was not very big and really only big enough to eat on my own and to sell at farmers markets. I understand in some ways how hard it must have been for my mother and my father and maybe that is why they did not last together. When I first went out to start sowing — a word I learned about farming — I had to rotate through parts of the field and I had to be careful about how many seeds I planted and which plants got planted beside which and the calendar for planting was usually pretty right and so were the estimates and guesses for yields on plants. I knew farming was hard business and was not something for anyone or everyone and there were some types who just would not like it or be good at it. And I am not trying to judge anyone. I do not think I am a very good farmer and I do not think I was cut out for it but I did not know what else I was good at or what else I might even like to try. There are too many head aches out there and I think there is a lot of careers out there. I do not think there would be many jobs I would be good at so I thought maybe the one my family all did was the best because at least I already had the farm.

That first year on the farm the weather was really good. March was good and the weather was pretty good and I remember thinking my first year would be a good year. I think it still turned out pretty good that year if I am being honest with myself. I remember April turned cold though and when it got cold in Alberta it got cold and it would snow sometimes even when it was not supposed to snow. I remember it snowed on my brothers birthday in July once. I guess it was axually hail and not snow but the two things are close enough in a way and I think I would prefer snow over hail even if it was a foot of snow. Any way in April it snowed and it was cold and I will never forget it. I do not know why but because the snow was so late in the year the animals did not seem to know what to do. Townes was going outside for a little bit and then refused to go out. He would step out of the door and go a few inches into the snow and turn around. He would always stare at me and it felt like he was looking through me and I would ask him why he went outside if he did not really want to go outside and I would never get an answer. I heard once that talking to pets is not a problem and that the problem is when the pets started talking back. I more or less believe it because it makes sense. I think it is natural to talk to those who are around you even if it is a dog or a cat or even a plant. In fact I have read that talking to plants axually helps them grow so I can see why it is helpful. Talking to a cat or a dog seems natural to do because we spend a lot of time with them and it would be weird to just ignore them. Now when it comes to the dogs or cats talking back then we have a different issue at hand. 

Any way whatever the case might have been the warm had started animals getting out a bit more and the cold started to drive them back in. In Alberta we are proud to say we do not have any rats and that is something I am proud about or at least as proud as I can be about something like that. It is good to know we do not need to worry about them because I know lots of other provinces do need to worry about them. In a lot of ways it is a good thing we do not have rats but in some ways it is a bad thing because it is some times some thing people say like it is something good about the province like it is something we should be proud of and talk about alongside Headsmashed-In Buffalo Jump or Writing-on-Stone. I am not sure about any body else but I am pretty sure I am not talking about lack of vermin when I am talking about the history of the province and sites that are several thousand years old. But I am not very smart in a lot of ways and I am sure there are people who are smarter then I am who make those kind of decisions. And while we do not have rats we still have mice and while I am not a veterinarian and I am sure there are some differences between rats and mice I am not really sure there is a big enough difference for me to care when they are in the house and that April snow brought mice into the house.

I will tell you if I I did not have Townes in the house I do not know what I would be doing. I know I would have spent a fortune on rat traps and on poison and I do not like either of those things. I do not believe in killing animals because they are not doing anything other then being what they were born to be. I understand since I run a farm there are times I need to kill a chicken or a cow or a goat and there are a lot of reasons for it people will disagree with and I understand that. I do not like killing the animals and I wish I did not have to do it and I suppose in a way I do not have to do it but that is a conversation for another day. Any way vermin in the house is a problem because they will eat wiring and they will eat what is in my cabinets and and they will defecate all over the place and there is the chance for becoming ill because they sometimes carry disease. Of course there is also the issue of there breeding so while one mouse on its own is not a problem what is a problem is 60 mice roaming the house and capable of breeding. Again while I do not agree with killing indiscriminatly there are times where it is justified. I do not have the stomach for killing personally speaking but I know Townes does and he is good at what he does. In a way I feel better that he does the killing and I only have to do the cleanup. When he attacks the mice he is lethal every time. If I set a trap it might only break the mouses leg and then it is trapped until I come back. Or the poison might not kill the mouse just make it lame and brain damaged. These things keep me up and night and I have a hard time thinking I would be able to be the one responsible for it. So I know I am actually avoiding any real thinking on the matter by off loading the killing to my cat and I suppose that is what it is. 

Lotus started coming to the cabin more and more over March and April and I think life was tough for her at that point in time. She came over most nights and I did not mind because I was not doing anything else beyond sitting with Townes and petting his head and playing records on the record player. I played Black Sabbath a lot for him and I made sure it was mostly the Ronnie James Dio records. When I say I love the Dio albums more some people get upset and look at me like I am crazy and I understand because for a long time I thought it was blasphemy to talk about Ronnie in the same breath as Ozzy with respect to their work with Sabbath. But as I started listening to the Ronnie records I find I am reenergized after the group seemed to have run its course with Ozzy and I feel bad even thinking that let along committing it to paper in my jernal. I do not think I will ever meet Ozzy Osbourne and I never thought I would meet Ronnie James Dio before he died and I just hope I would not offend either of them because I deeply respect both their contributions to heavy metal both with Black Sabbath and their solo efforts.

Any way Lotus started coming over and spending a lot of time with Townes and I and that felt really nice. It felt good to have a friend who did not seem to care I am not the smartest person in the room and did not care my only real friend was my cat and did not seem to care I did not really know what I was doing with the farm. With Lotus I felt safe and okay with being a person who was not perfect. In fact I lied to her when she asked if I was having any mouse problems and I said yes I am having mouse problems but Townes is dealing with them quickly and efficiently. She asked how I was disposing of the bodies and I told her I was burying them out in the forest out back and I do not think it was totally lying because I was intending to do it even if I had not done it yet. I know I was probably being dishonest when she asked me and when I answered but I was not sure how else to tell her I kept a box of frozen mice just outside my home and that they had probably thawed and frozen and thawed and frozen and I was just waiting for the right time to bury them. 

What I remember a lot about Lotus saying is she always talked about J-A-double R-E-double T and how he was causing problems for her. She always called him a TFP and a TFL and she would apologize for saying those things and then tell me TFP meant total fucking pussy and TFL meant total fucking loser. I never understood why if some one said some letters in place of some words when they really meant to the say the words they acted like they had not said any thing bad at all. I always figured if you said a swear about some one you said a swear about some one whether or not you said TFL or total fucking loser. Any way Lotus told me she had been having a lot of problem with Jarrett and she had found fuck-you letters under the wipers of her car and she was getting phone calls late at night that were just fuck-yous and go-to-hells and she knew it was him. It was not that no one else in Screaming Ridge would not do that sort of thing it is just they would think it and only do it if they could get away with it and that is the difference between Jarrett and every one else. Hating people is never good and hating people because of how they look or what they believe or any thing else is even worse but sneaking it along is worse again. I asked Lotus if there is any thing I can do to help her and she did not really give me an answer and I know that is my fault. There are a lot of things I can do like not keeping my mouth shut if I see someone like Jarrett running his mouth at someone who does not deserve it or piping off on some non sense. 

Lotus wanted to get away from Screaming Ridge because there was nothing here that could help her help her family and friends better. She needed and wanted to go away to a city and not even a big city but some where she could find more opportunity then she found in Screaming Ridge. I do not blame her but I am not really some one to ask about leaving the people behind and trying to stay away on my own as much as I could. Lotus and me talked a lot that night about how our lives have unfolded and how they might continue to do so. I tried to make sure we were not talking about palm reading or about tarot cards or about that sort of thing because I do not understand it and while I think there is a lot to it and there is maybe a lot of truth in it I am afraid of it if I am being honest. I know if there is a ghost or a spirit or what ever who really wants to reach out and grab me it might be able to do that already and I do not need to provide any more opportunities. She laughed at me and said she was not talking about palm reading or tarot cards and that she was only talking about how maybe life might have run a little differently if there had been different bits of luk here and there. 

I had not been thinking a lot about luk about my own life up to that point to be honest. I just took every thing that came my way as it came my way. It was not always good and it was not always fun but I can not say I think I really xperiensed good luk or bad luk. Lotus said she felt like she had bad luk coming out of her ass and asked me if I thought she deserved the trouble she had xperiensed. I told her I did not think any one could deserve the hard ships that had come her way and she did not deserve any of the trouble and head aches Jarrett sent her way and he was an ass hole and if any one was deserving of bad luck or head aches it was him and I hope he stepped in dog shit every day for the rest of his life and that he would not enjoy life in the slightest until he started treating people right. Lotus seemed to appreshiate what I said but I do not know if I really know how to say the right thing all of the time.

I remember it must have been around this time when I asked Lotus if she wanted to go and play bingo at the bingo hall because I had never been to play bingo before and I wanted to give it a shot. I do not know why the mood for bingo struck me because I had played in school growing up and it never seemed a lot of fun to me and may be that is because I never won any time we played so I do not know why I would want to sit down and pay money to play. If I am being honest with myself I think it is because I am very worried about the farm and how good I can farm. I know in a town as small as Screaming Ridge — I think 3000 people — there is not a lot of opportunity and there are not a lot of jobs and I do not want to leave I do not think and if I stay and win a little bit at bingo then maybe it becomes a bit easier to pay the bills. I think maybe too it will be fun because Lotus and I can hang out some more and I like Lotus a lot and I do not know how many close friends she has and that is not fair. I am not someone who needs a lot of friends because I like to be alone a lot of the time and I have never been very popular so I do not really know what it is like to have a lot of friends and I think maybe it is not all it is cracked up to be but I do think everyone deserves a close friend. Maybe we do not deserve many things in our lifes but we deserve to have friends and we deserve friendship. So any way Lotus said bingo sounded awesome and we would go to bingo and I said I hoped one of us would win. As much as I want to win because I think I can use the money around the house I want to see Lotus win because I like hearing her laugh and I like seeing her smile and I hope she wins.